The Cullens Do Broadway
by Morally Questioned
Summary: The Cullens have an interesting run-in with America's greatest form of entertainment...Broadway. Features Fiddler on the Roof, Wicked, Rent, and more! Rated T for language and maybe some content.
1. Fiddler on the Roof

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight, or Fiddler on Roof. Enjoy!

Narrator: Welcome to this evenings performance of 'The Cullens Do Broadway'. Whoa there, tiger, that sounds slightly dirty! Well, never mind that. Please, turn all cellphones and beepers off, and do not indulge in food or drink. Thank you, and enjoy the show!

*The stage is dark, aside from one lone spotlight. A rickety wooden chair is dragged in by no other than the DAZZLING EDWARD CULLEN *cues fangirl shrieks from audience*. For some reason that is yet unknown to the audience, he is draped in a _Tallit _and is wearing a lovely blue _yarmulke_. He is also speaking in a jolly Russian accent…if there is such a thing.*

Edward: A vampire in love with a human…sounds crazy, no? But here, in our little village of Forks, Washington, you might say everyone of us is a little strange. Trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking someone elses neck. It isn't easy. You may ask, why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous? Well, we stay because Forks is not the norm. And how to we keep from snapping? That I can tell you in one word. Obsession! Obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession!

Because of these obsessions, we've kept from becoming tacky, creepy, b-list vampire novels for many many years! Here in Forks, Washington, we have obsessions for everything. Sparkly vampires, enormous wolves, petty humans, infatuated fangirls…for instance, teenagers always write disturbed fanfictions, and draw trippy fanart with awkwardly recurring themes. This shows their constant devotion to us. And how did this fixation get started? I'll tell you…teehee, I dunno. But it's an obsession! And because of our obsessions, everyone of us knows who he is, and how much the general public loves him.

Cullens: Who day and night must stay out of the sunlight? Feed off mountain lions, annoy some grizzly bears? And who has the plight, as an annoying human, to fall in love with Eddy-pants? The Cullens! The Cullens *klezmar-y clarinet solo thing* obsession! The Cullens…the Cullens! Obsession!

Wolves: Who must know the way to jump right off a cliff? Shape-shift, myths and space-heaters? Who must tell the legends and live in La Push, and keep the cold ones far away from here? The Quileutes! The Quileutes, obsession! The Quileutes…the Quileutes! Obsession!

Humans: And who does Edward think are foolish, herd-like twits? Fawning over Bella more than he sees fit? The humans! The humans, obsession! The humans…the humans! Obsession!

Twilighters: At night we stay up reading it, all day we sit and dream. Team Edward or Team Jacob or even Switzerland. Twilighters! Twilighters, obsession! Twilighters….Twilighters! Obsession!

*Continues, all sections overlapping. Jewishy dances and chair lifts a-plenty, and of course, plenty of complaining and worrying! As the number winds down, the stagelights dim once again.*


	2. Totally Ficed

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight or Spring Awakening. Song is based on "Totally F***ed from Spring Awakening. Enjoy!

*Lights up again…The Cullens are trapped amongst a ring of fangirls, who are all showing them pages and pages of type, dressed in crisp office clothes with pencils tucked behind their ears. The gritty rock intro doesn't match the tone of the scene at all.*

Edward: There's a moment you know…you're 'fic-ed'…

Jasper: Because Emmett's brain…ceases to exist!

Carlisle: Bella dies, oh yeah, a lonely wench!

Emmett: Hey, watch me now, as I throw this bench! *See? Crap for brains.*

Alice: But the thing that makes you really jump…is that the weirdest fic is still to come. You can ask yourself, "Hey, what's Stephenie Meyer on?" They're just supplies, the little guys, but Breaking Dawn? *OH! DISSSSSS!!!!! SNAPS FOR ALICE!*

Rosalie: Man, you're 'fic-ed' if everything's spelled…completely wrong.

Esme: But you're 'fic-ed' if you fic a song…and you know, uh huh, you will!

Everyone: Yeah, you're 'fic-ed', you see, ah, JxB, AU and of course OOC! Totally 'fic-ed', yeah, it's kind of sick—I mean Mike plus Jasper, ick!

Jacob: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Bella: Run away, yeah well, you wanna try! But 'IhEaRtEdWaRd' is trapping you in this lie. Long enough for them, to get bored of it. Long enough for you, to take the hit.

*Chorus 2x, lots of blahs, everyone shouts "Totally 'fic-ed!", end scene.


	3. Loathing

Lights up as the Cullen's home appears on stage. Rosalie randomly glowers in Bella's direction as the stupidly annoying human lies pitifully on the sofa in Edward's bedroom. Jeez, Bella sucks. But not as much as other fangirls!*

Rosalie: Dearest darlingest Esme and Carlisle-sicle…

Bella: My dear Charlie.

Both: There's been some confusion over living here in Forks.

Bella: But of course I'll stay with Edward.

Rosalie: But of course I'll eeeat the human!

Both: For we know that's how you'd hate us to respond, yes. There's been some confusion for you see my enemy is...

Rosalie: Some stupid dumbass girl who always falls on her retard faceeee…

Bella: Blonde.

Rosalie: What is this feeling, not sudden or new?

Bella: I felt the moment I laid eyes on you.

Rosalie: My jaw is hardn'ing,

Bella: My ass is reeling *because I totally just slipped and fell again, off of some slippery-ass cliff*.

Rosalie: My teeth are baring,

Both: What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame, does it have a name? Yes! Loathing, unadulterated loathing!

Rosalie: For your *average* face,

Bella: Your ASS!

Rosalie: Your icky clothing!

Both: Let's just say—

Angela: POPULAR! YOU'RE GONNA BE POPULAR! *Rosalie leans over and smacks Angela, sending her into the dark lonely abyss known as Bella's empty skull*.

Rosalie: BITCH! Yo, lil g', that was my part! Stay out, you ho'! Anyways…

Both: I loathe it all! Ev'ry little trait, however small, makes my very flesh begin to crawl. With simple utter loathing, there's a strange exhiliration in such total detestation! So pure so strong! And I do admit it came on fast, though I do believe that it can last, and I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long!!

Cullens: Dear Rosalie, you are a wretched skank! Your nastiness is just so, so rank! You are slutty, you are bitchy, we don't even show a bias, Bella's *cheap polyester* sweater is so itchy…

Rosalie: You jerks call yourselves a faaaaamilyyy?

Cullens: Oh poor Bella, forced to endure; with someone so awful and unpure! We just want to tell you, you're making our eyes sore!!!

*Carlisle steps forward*: Uh, we mean—YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY! AND WORDS CAN'T BRING YOUUUU DOWN!—uhhh, on with the program!

*Lots of little overlappy things in which the composer was too lazy to type. So there ya go, folks, Bella and Rose's showdown. Just so y'all know, I'm pro-Rose, and…anti-Bella. HAHA! Anti-Bella. Antibellum. Isn't that an old Southern thing? Like Jasper? OH! SCORE TWO IN THE DISS DEPARTMENT.


	4. Sweeney Mike

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twiligh, or Sweeney Todd. Song is based on Johanna from Sweeney Todd.

Uh, anyway…yeah. Lights up on Mike, who is creepishly staring lovingly into a big fake window, as Bella sleeps and Edward gazes on lovingly—which one is the pervert? Well, in a Japanese manga thing in which they super-loosely throw the word around, ANYONE can be a pervert! Even five-year old girls can be perverts! It's a small world after all.*

Mike: I feel you, my Bella!

I feel you.

I was half-convinced I'd waken,

Satisfied enough to dream you!

Happily I was mistaken, my Bella,

I'll steal you, my Bella!

I'll steal you.

I'll steal you, my Bella!

I'll steal you.

Does Edward think that he can hide you?

Even now he's at your bedside,

And I'm standing with a knife beside him,

Buried sweetly in your backyard,

I'll kill him, my Bella!

And the day of the funeral I'll steal you,

'Til I'm with you then,

He's dead in there,

Buried sweetly in your backyard!!!

*Bella suddenly awakens*: Jesus Christ, Mike Newton! What the hell? I heard every word of that, homey, and the big B will NOT stand for that kind of talk! B.T. Dubbs, I wasn't sleeping. Edward and I were having a deep conversation in which you shall never take part in. Godspeed.


	5. Tango: Edward

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight, or Rent. Song is based on Tango: Maureen from Rent.

*Lights out, up again. Tanya and Bella are standing awkwardly next to each other. Bella is scowling, pursing her lips, narrowing her eyes, and glaring at Tanya. Tanya is scowling, pursing her lips, narrowing her eyes, and glaring at Bella, who simply asked her to back off of Edward. *

Bella:….you think you turn him on, but you're creepy…

Tanya: But I'm beautiful…that's another way. Say something, anything.

Bella: Uh…get off of him!

Tanya: Anything but that.

Bella: This is weird.

Tanya: It's weird.

Bella: Very weird.

Tanya: Fuckin' weird.

Bella: I'm so in love that I don't know what to do. Running with vampires, and ice versus fire, and to top it all off, I'm with you.

Tanya: Feel like going insane, got a fire in your brain, and you're thinking of drinking gasoline?

Bella: Uh, no…*happy Asian anime voice—picture little flowers encircling Bella's head* I love Edward and Edward loves me!

Tanya: *ignores Bella* As a matter of fact, honey, I know this act! It's called the Tango: Edward. *grabs, Bella's hands, they start to tango, even convincing goody-two-shoes-Edward-loves-me-slimeball Bella to sing along.

Both: The Tango: Edward!

Tanya: It's a dark dizzy merry-go-round! As he keeps you dangling…

Bella: Your wrong, you bitch! At least I'm not Dutch or whatever…

Tanya:… your heart he's mangling!

Bella: It's different with me! Edward actually needs me. He just thinks you're a whore!

Tanya: And you toss and you turn, 'cause his gold eyes can burn, yet you yearn and you churn and REBOUND.

Bella: I still don't know what you mean…

Both *Bella is unwilling to agree, but she sure does enjoy singing! Because as is in every creepy song-fic, Bella randomly knows how to sing!*: The Tango: Edward!

Tanya: Has he ever pursed his lips, and called you "Bella"?

Bella: Well, sure. Don't all Twilight characters purse their lips? Like, a lot? And Bella is my name.

Tanya: Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?

Bella: You've kissed him?!?!

Tanya: Well no. But it flows real nice with the song, eh?

Bella: Yes, yes, exceptional job.

Tanya: Hey, thanks!

Bella: No problem. Did you spoon in the middle of the night?

Tanya: Not at all, so don't ask me.

Bella: Did he growl at the other boys?

Tanya: Nah, he didn't.

Bella: Because you're so skanky!

Tanya: Where'd you learn to tango?

Bella: With Edward Cullen, on the moonlit shore of a majestic lake in a secluded region of Spain. And you?

Tanya: With Nanette Himmelfarb, the Rabbi's daughter, at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center…It's hard to this backwards.

Bella: You should try it in cable-knit. He hates you, he hates you.

Tanya: Edward hates me, flippin' hates me.

Bella: You're defeated, you should give up right now! Hey, look on the bright side, with all of your might…

Tanya: I'd fall for him anyhow.

Both: When your dancing his dance, you don't stand a chance, unless your name is Bella Swan!

Tanya: So you think, might as well dance a tango to Hell!

Both: At least I'll have tangoed at all. The Tango Edward! Gotta dance 'til your species is through!

Tanya: You really do love him, because in the end you still love him! But the end, it will come, so you have to play dumb, til your glum and you bum and turn blue. Why do I love when he's mean? And how he's never obscene?

Both: The Tango: Edwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!!! *totally ignore the fact that that does not rhyme in anyway whatsoever*.


	6. The Christmas Shoes

DISCLAIMER: Okay, I don't own Twilight or The Christmas Shoes, or Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional, or Lars the Emo Kid...or practically anything mentioned in this kind of controversial chapter. So if you're kind of offended easily, just...skip it or something. Thank you, and enjoy!

*Dramatic lights shut down with the boom of a drum. Jasper and Alice step onto the floor. Jasper is sitting in a corner pensively, listening to his iPod, all of his angst flowing with the beat of whatever alternative, emo song he's listening to—he feels it too. Jasper feels everything. Jasper's hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption, winding in, winding out, the shine of which has caught his eye and roped him in so, mesmerizing, so hypnotizing. He…is…vindicated.*

Alice: Hey, Jazzy-pie! I wuv you! Let's go shopping! BAHA, I'm a deranged fairy, as the entire family would call me in every stupid fanfic on the face of the earth! BAH! Even though my loving siblings and parents and Jasper would never actually do that, ever, because we are all blissfully unaware of my fairy tendencies! Oh well.

*Jasper makes an angsty face whilst headbanging to something*.

Alice: Jazzy, can I see your iPod? *totally does not wait for a response and rips his iPod from his hands. She is stunned to find the album cover of all of those guys smiling awkwardly in sweaters…that's right…* THE CHRISTMAS SHOES? BY BRIAN FREE AND ASSURANCE? JASPER WHITLOCK HALE! YOU. ARE. NOT. WHO. I. THOUGHT. YOU. WERE.

*Tinkling music that gives even the most psychoticly religious individual the chills…hoo boy. Jasper, suddenly clad in a crisp argyle sweater and corduroys, takes the mic.*

Jasper: *in Lars the Emo Kid voice* I stand alone...

It was almost Christmas time!

There I stood in another line,

Tryin' to buy that last gift or two,

Not really in the Christmas mood!

*Carlisle bursts in*: Oh Lord, NO!

Jasper: Standing right in front of me,

Was a little boy waiting anxiously,

Pacin' 'round like little boys do,

And in his hands he held a pair of shoes!

And his clothes were worn and old,

And he was dirty from head to toe,

And when it came his time to pay, I couldn't believe what I heard him say!

*Emmett runs in, dressed as Santa…crap for brains!*: HO HO HO! Rose, I'm talkin' to you!

Jasper: Sir I wanna buy these shoes!

For my mama, please!

It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size!

Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time!

She's been sick for quite a while and I know these shoes will make her smile and I

want her to look beautiful, WHEN MAMA MEETS JESUS TONIGHT!

Edward: Please, please, please in the name of Bella, stop it! Please? Ah, what the Hell. If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em! They counted pennies for what seemed like years, when the

Cashier said "Son, there's not enough here!"

He searched his pockets frantically,

And then he turned and he looked at me!

He said "Mama made Christmas good in our house,

But most years she just did without!

Tell me sir, what am I gonna do?

Somehow I've gotta buy these, Christmas shoe!"

Carlisle: This is hearfelt. Might as well…So I lay the money down!

I just had to help him out,

And I'll never for get the look on his face, when he said,

"Mama's gonna look so great!" ALL TOGETHER NOW!

All three: Sir, I wanna buy these shoes,

For my mama, please,

It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size!

Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time!

He said, "She's been sick for quite awhile,

And I know these shoes will make her smile,

And I want her to look beautiful,

WHEN MAMA MEETS JESUS TONIGHT!

Esme: Meow! *throws spiky high heels at their heads, prompting them to exit stage left without their big finish, or Emmett's bridge. Oh well. They won't be missed. P.S., the Christmas Shoes is totally not a Broadway showtune, but it's a lovely song.*


	7. Cats

*The lights dim down low, once again. Some uncomfortable rustling is heard in the audience—a disgruntled man coughs a few times, and M&M wrappers crinkle as they are tossed to the floor, fluttering in a flightless pool of upsettedness. Jasper would like that sentence. Anyhoo, the audience does not know what it is that they're waiting for in anticipation. And what is it now? THE GRAND FINALE! Cue fireworks, a laugh tracks, honk your horns and do the dance! This is very exciting for everyone…well okay, don't get your hopes up because yeah. Emmy ran out of steam a little. So anyway, THE CAST OF TWILGHT emerges, dressed in…splotchy unitards, braided tails, leg/arm warmers and cat makeup?!? Oy gevolt, did a crazy cat lady factorty explode or something? NO! It's just the brilliant workings of Andrew Lloyd Weber! A randomly, enormously obese man in an especially fluffy cat costume helps an old hag onto a tire and shoots her through a roof.*

Everyone: Up, up, up past the Harry Potters!

Up up up up to be the best selling books!

Up, up, up, past Artemis Fowl !

Up up up up to be the best selling books!

Up, up, up past the Harry Potters!

Up up up up to be the best selling books!

Up, up, up, past Artemis Fowl!

Up up up up to be the best selling books!

Up, up, up past the sleazy chick stuff!

Up up up up to be the best selling books!

Up, up, up past the sleazy chick stuff!

Up up up up to be the best selling books!

*Everyone strikes a loverly pose, all catlike and creepily contorted.*: The mystical divinity of Stephenie Meyer's divinity! And all the fangirls rang "EDWARD!" Life to the everlasting series! *everyone scampers away as the audience cheers raucously*.

Narrator: Ladies and gentleman, the cast of "The Cullens Do Broadway!" *everyone runs out, takes bows—STILL IN CAT COSTUMES—until Bella slips off the stage and falls into the stomach of a morbidly obese man. We're still looking for her.*

Obese Man: ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCOREEE! ENCORE NOW! ENCORE! PLEASE!

Edward: Okay, okay. Someone's a little eager.

Obese Man: I'm disgruntled! ENCOREEEE!

*Cast runs off the stage, hoping to escape the obese man's grip.*

Narrator: Thank you for coming! I hope you all enjoyed the show with the slightly dirty sounding title! Goodnight and goodbye!


End file.
